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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.